I have been dreaming again. You know, the forbidden kind. We are quick to blame the world. Someone - something must have done something that this terrible tragedy happened. Someone must have forbidden it on me to not dream. Something must have happened. I wondered about that for so long.

But really, it was me. I don't remember exactly when, but at some point, I forbade myself to dream. I don't know how but I settled for mediocrity. I took off my rose colored glasses and saw the world as it was and decided that dreaming wasn't worth it anymore. Things weren't going to get any better than they were and living in reality means accepting it. Eyes on the road, feet on the ground. Let's follow the path. Let's not make it. Let's not pretend like someday we'll be flown off our feet. Let's not give love too much thought. It is, but a dream. Let's hope that someone will take pity on us and walk with us for a while, and that would be enough.

The magic in life - the magic that makes you breathe and bleed, it is but an illusion. A child's play. A party trick. But God, almighty God, isn't that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen - ever felt? Dreaming about magic, dreaming about the possibility that you could be better than who you are right now, dreaming about a whiff of happiness. Dreaming that your life could matter. 

My year began with laughter – quite unexpectedly. We sat by the fireplace and shared memories and drank hot chocolate. We played board games that we hadn't played in a very long time and became immensely competitive. We shared photos we had taken throughout this year while the snow gently fell outside. We made mom laugh until she cried and took embarrassing photos of dad when he fell asleep on the couch. I made the worst peppermint mocha which everyone drank just to not make me feel bad. I read a little here and there when I had the chance – during early mornings with coffee, late at night with coffee, in between movie marathons, and when everyone took naps. Dylan got me a beautiful necklace and I promised to love him a little more this year.

I sat inside the porch a few nights watching the snow glowing in the moonlight, and wondered about how these moments and this life is so fleeting. Before we realize, it’s all a memory. The year-end and the new year; the fireplace and the snow. If I live long enough, my life would be so terribly different by the end of this year. There are things coming towards me and things I am running away form. There are changes happening everywhere, every moment. I tell myself that I can't always stop the changes but I can hope to do good, and be good. I hope that this year I write my story well.